Client Highlight: Steven S.

Can you describe the moment when you realized you wanted to start your journey of recovery?

I knew it was time to start my journey in recovery when I finally realized that I deserved to be compassionate towards  myself , better than what had been the case, for many years.  I knew I was worthy of love, compassion, and honesty. I hadn’t been exposed to a lot of that in a very long time both internally, and externally. I had lost myself for a very long time. I had caused a lot of pain to a lot of people, but above all myself. For that, I am sorry. 

What have been some of the most significant challenges you’ve encountered and how have you handled them along the way?  

I feel that the biggest challenges have stemmed from a lot of the societal stigmas and discrimination associated with addiction. Also I feel there is  a lot of the hypocrisy with drinking /alcoholism vs. recreational/illicit drug use!  A drug is a drug. Isolation is the biggest thing that addiction thrives in , and stigmas and discrimination fuel isolation for an addict. I often felt cast out and not wanted by my friends, family, co-workers, partners,  and my own community due to my disease of addiction. I was often harassed in my own social circles and had my rights violated by employers. It’s a catch 22 really. I think people want an addict to get healthy, but often don’t want to “ deal with it” or don’t know how to. I’d hear things like,  “ it’s not our problem,” or “ I don’t know what to do with it,”  -The “it” being a human beings life.  Other times I’d hear people say to me, “deal with it, it’s your problem to handle, not ours.” I felt very hopeless , alone, and often felt better off dead . I just felt like I was a burden on everyone around me. There were times when I have to admit that when I used, I was hoping that it would be my last. 

I come  from a separated home , went through extreme bullying while trying to navigate being gay in a catholic high school , later surviving multiple sexual assaults, an epic grieving experience that can only be described as both incredibly tragic and freeing at the same time. I have survived  domestic abuse and assault. 

And lastly, someone who made claims of loving me deeply , allowed and enabled me to continue  to destroy myself through using my drugs of choice during a relapse, while he was under the belief that he had taken out a life insurance policy on me , through his employer. At that time, my body was showing signs of beginning to shut down, and I was at high risk of overdosing . When I got sober and finally had the courage to ask him why he would try to take out a life insurance policy behind my back and without my consent, he responded “ I didn’t want to be left without any money.”  I felt completely used for money…and subsequently cashed out…

I immediately ended the relationship . I spent years financially supporting him while trying to support myself through my own health struggles .  I truly felt he betrayed me in my darkest hour, when I needed him the most . For that I forgive him, but will never forget . This being said , I will always be there for him in his own personal recovery.

I was exposed to substances at a young age, prior to learning how to properly handle my emotions. I realize now,  that  I had  gotten myself into a loop of using substances to self medicate my emotions . I  hear this a lot not just in the recovery community, but in the general population at large. Especially in the midwest where alcohol , a drug,  is more heavily used anywhere else in the united states. These substances that I became exposed to had an immediate effect of numbing and relief of these emotions that I did not want to experience. They were simply too much to bare, compared to the instant relief and momentary pleasure that these  substances offered. And so, the cycle of addiction began for me. Unfortunately, these  “medications” came with horrible side effects…absolutely horrible side effects… After 2 decades of on going relapses,  and additional pain, regrets, and damage done to more loved ones,  I  was able to find  that through treatment, therapy, getting a sponsor, staying connected to the recovery community, and my amazing sober friends, are what  helped keep me strong enough to never give up. Those who empowered me, and did not enable me, have gotten me through my darkest hours.

Have you discovered new activities or practices that have positively impacted your recovery?

I have most recently made a full commitment to the La Crosse area  recovery community. I frequently attend  weekly  NA, AA, and Refuge Recovery meetings. I travel as often as I can and attend meetings there, while visiting friends in recovery. I also attend 24 hour online  meetings, and participate in local coulee council activities! I have an extensive network of amazing recovery friends that I keep in contact with daily! I am truly blessed to have an amazing sponsor who happens to be my old high school chemistry teacher , Mr. B..  His loving husband,  Mr. L has also been my personal superhero! Having a sponsor is an essential and invaluable part of recovery. It’s a must! Staying connected is the best medicine against addiction so I strive to be available to chat and talk to a friend in need. I really do enjoy the summer time activities and sports that the recovery community has! I look forward to the softball league and hopefully expanding the sports programs! 

What Driftless Recovery services have you/do you participate in? What have you found helpful?

I strongly adhere to the belief that whether you’re an addict or not, therapy is absolutely necessary in this life. Our daily lives have become so busy and chaotic that having someone available to help us navigate our emotions, mental health, physical needs, and spiritual sense of self, is crucial to living a well balanced life. Therapy is and should be a NORMAL part of medicine from day one ,for everyone! I have participated in one on one counseling, specialized out patient, relapse prevention and the dual diagnosis group. I have found that learning through one another is the most beneficial approach to life’s experiences. We can learn a lot from one another if we simply have the courage to be vulnerable and share our experiences!

What are some milestones or achievements you feel proud of?

At this point in my recovery , I am happy to say that my disease is in remission! I am proud that I never gave up on myself. As a person in long term recovery, I have had my fair share of relapses, to say the least! Addiction is a disease that unfortunately has no cure. That being said it is treatable. I have been blessed that I have been given the opportunity to keep fighting and I have chosen to keep fighting with all my being.  Not everyone with this disease  is able to have this chance , let alone write a blog about it. No matter how many times I was knocked down by my addiction, felt shamed by society, and shamed by myself,  I got back up. I put myself back together and kept on fighting. Most recently I am thrilled to say that I started  my own business and am looking forward to expanding that business. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do , but never had the courage to do until recently. Oddly enough, my recovery played a huge roll in giving me the strength to take that huge leap of faith.

What have you learned about yourself during your time in services?
I think that listening to my inner voice, all be it quiet at times, is likely the one voice I should  be  listening to more often.  Many times I allowed myself to not have boundaries or had them, and gave others permission to walk all over them. This only ended up hurting me and building resentment that inevitably lead me to relapse. Now that I’m reestablishing my boundaries with myself and others, I feel more myself, healthier and happier in my new found sense of self and the world around me!

What plans/goals do you have for yourself moving forward?

My big goal this year, is to expand and grow my business. I have been in business for about 2 years, and I am grateful to say that the response has been overwhelmingly positive!  I am looking forward to recruiting from within the recovery community! I am also looking forward to soon becoming a sponsor in the La Crosse recovery community and helping to guide others on the their path of recovery. I feel this is my purpose in life and I finally have my answer of why I’ve been given so many chances at life after relapse. My purpose in this life, is to help others who suffer from the disease of addiction.